Caught With Your Pants Down
by plannedbyReaperLight
Summary: Mello is suffering from chocolate withdrawal and can't keep his hands to himself. AU, Crack. Mello/Matt, and implied Light x L, L x Light
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings:** _Slash, Crack, swearing, OOCness, DubCon, unrealistic depictions of rape and its consequences, Mello acting like an asshole and Light acting like a decent human being, chocolate shortages._

_I own NOTHING!_

0000

"Stupid L! Who's he to say I can't have any chocolate!" Mello raged as he kicked at an empty beer can that littered the sidewalk.

"He's L." Matt shrugged as he reached to light up a cigarette and then remembered a certain new member of the "family" had pitched them. The Asshole... "You knew you shouldn't have eaten his cake."

"Matt, shut up! Fucking Near! The little bastard set me up! Fucking L! He doesn't have the right to-"

"He's L," Matt reminded him. "He can do whatever the fuck he wants…"

"You mean he can DO WHOEVER the fuck he wants! Stupid L! With stupid… oh God!"

Mello blushed furiously at the memory, clutched his beads and said a couple of "Hail Mary's" for good measure. The image was still burned into his brain of L and…

_No, he won't ruin sex for me too!_

Mello growled and swiftly shoved Matt up against a tree.

"Mello, what the fuck?"

"I need something to take the edge off!" Mello snarled as he shoved a hand down the front of Matt's pants and began to roughly, painfully get him off. Matt's knees wobbled as he braced himself against the tree.

"Mello!" Matt hissed, his sea green eyes storming with anger and humiliation "We're in a park! A public place! There are kids…"

"Does it look like I care?" Mello roared and shoved the pink-haired boy down over the park bench as he produced a tube of lube from one of the pockets of his leather jacket. Mello wasted no time shoving down Matt's jeans and boxer shorts. Matt struggled until Mello began to lick at his neck. It wasn't fair; Mello knew all of his weak points.

"Mello, _no!_" Matt groaned as he felt him shoving his fingers up his hole. Mello knew he didn't have to worry much about stretching him. They had done this many times before…

The blonde teen shoved his leather pants down and teasingly brushed against Matt's hip.

"Mells… stop… please?"

"Please what?" Mello leered at the pinkette. "Do you want it or not?" The blonde smirked evilly as he twisted his fingers and Matt gasped.

"Fine!" Matt huffed in defeat.

"That's my bitch!" Mello praised, patting Matt and ruffling his hair.

"I'm not your… _ooh._" Matt groaned as Mello took him roughly over the park bench, moving in and out desperately fast.  
>"Mells! God, Mells, slow down!" Matt whined, he swore he felt like he was going to be ripped apart.<p>

"SHUT UP!" Mello shouted, grabbing hold of Matt's hips in a bruising grip.

"You asshole!" Matt whimpered. He was in so much pain. The blonde finally seemed to realize Matt was in distress and gradually began to slow down.

"Sorry…"

_"Fucker!"_

"Okay fine… be that way! I'm not sorry!" Mello grunted.

"You should be." Both of the boys startled when there was suddenly another presence there, looming above them over the park bench. He was wearing his usual dark suit and tie and a police badge—a fake police badge that L supplied him. Mello and Matt knew he was no cop, he was so much worse…

Light Yagami, Kira and L's new special friend.

Mello and Matt could probably take him together but Mello wasn't sure if Matt would help him at the moment and Light wasn't exactly on his own—the white Shinigami loomed behind him, wearing a matching scowl of disapproval. Really, couldn't everyone get off his case?

"Rape is a serious criminal offense!"

"It's none of your fucking business, Kira! And it's not rape, he totally agreed!"

Light glanced behind him and on his cue Rem tipped the bench over abruptly putting a halt to their activities. Matt looked away, red-faced and Mello glared bloody murder.

"I-I don't mind but… _not here!_" Matt stammered as he pulled up his pants. "I didn't want to _here! _He _forced _me!"

"Matt! You lying traitor!"

Light glared at Mello as he protectively put his suit jacket over Matt's shoulders.

Mello rolled his eyes, _Puh-leeze. _Mello yelped as the Shinigami grabbed him by the scruff of the neck helping Light herd Ryuuzaki's "naughty children" away from the scene. Light led them all back to that damned embarrassingly pink angel crepe van that his boyfriend had somehow persuaded him to drive... playing "the bait" to draw out a guy with the Shinigami eyes that enjoyed causing death and dismemberment. (Light swore that L was going to pay for this later… He had just the punishment in mind…)

Light didn't say a word as the teens took turns relieving their frustrations in the van's bathroom.

"Look Mello, I get it," Light broke the awkward silence once they were on the road. "You weren't raised by upstanding citizens but even you must know it's not okay to abuse someone like that!"

"Oh really, what about you and L?" The blonde shot back.

Light sputtered. "That's different! We have boundaries. _There are rules!_"

"Really, what sort of rules?"

"An eye for an eye."

"What does that…?"

"Is that like a more polite way of saying 'an ass for an ass?'" Matt cut in.

Mello and Matt gaped when the former Kira didn't deny it, focusing all his attention on driving.

"Wait, let me get this straight. You, Kira, self-proclaimed "God of the New World" and all that shit take it up the—?"

Light sighed. "More importantly... don't you realize you're drawing attention to Ryuuzaki's operation? Did you even think of that?"

From the look on his face it was obvious that he hadn't. Light rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"I don't see what you're trying to achieve by acting out like this… other than a criminal record and an early grave!" Light ranted. "Really, did you learn nothing from movie night? Fuck in public places and any psycho with a machete could finish you off..."

"Or a psycho with a notebook…" Matt added helpfully.

Light looked annoyed. The look on Light's face reminded Matt that Yagami had killed many, many people. Matt promptly shut up.

"Or one with a taste for strawberry jam," Light reminded them. "Really, why can't you just… _behave_ yourselves?"  
>Light glared at the road. <em>Oh shit, I'm turning into my father. How did this happen?<em>

Meanwhile Mello threw a fit. "I'm not a child! You can't make me! You're not my dad and neither is L!"

Matt ignored Mello's temper tantrum to point out "Because if he behaved himself he wouldn't be Mello, he'd be a sheep."

Mello smirked. "Thank you Matt."

"Welcome."

"BFFs?"

"Sure. Don't rape me again."

"I didn't... _gaah!_"

The former serial killer made a face at the mention of Near. Despite Near allegedly being "better behaved" Light got along better with the "M"s though there were times, like now he didn't exactly understand them. Light tried again to communicate in "M-ese" "Okay, how about _why _did you think this was a good idea!"

Mello and Matt looked at each other. They both knew there wasn't really a rational explanation to this. It was just Mello was just angry, horny, and deprived of his chocolate fix and when that happened… it was a miracle that no one died.

"El—Ryuuzaki he… he ate all the chocolate!"

"That's all?" Light deadpanned, wearing his disdainful "I am a long suffering God that is surrounded by idiots" expression.

_Ryuuzaki will be upset if I kill them. Ryuuzaki will be upset if I kill them…_

Mello glowered in return.

"You… you're are such a problem child!" the brunette exclaimed.

Mello rolled his eyes. _Pretty funny coming from you. _Light was not much older than they were… and he was Kira.

Light pulled the van in front of a frozen yoghurt shop. Mello drooled at someone eating a chocolate sundae in the window.

"Alright. If I take you out for ice cream will you promise not to pull another stunt like this for at least a week?" Light bargained.

Mello blinked. "A week?"

"I'm being realistic. Knowing you two…"

"Actually that seems rather optimistic…" Matt cut in.

Mello grinned. Light evidently hadn't been informed about Mello's punishment. There would be hell to pay when they got back… for Light.

"You're buying, right?" Mello smirked as he was already planning to rack up the charges on Kira's credit card with several extra large helpings of Colossal Choco Extreme with hot fudge and nuts on top. "It's a deal."

00000

**A/N: **_Filling a Kink request: _"Mello and Matt fuck in public and get caught by Light."

_Yeah super quick fill in OOC/slash mode because you see if Canon!Light comes across that scene..._

Light: Mihael Keehl—oh there he is! *Writes name.*  
>Matt: Mells! MELLS! NOOOOOO!<br>The End.

_So Light is in the unrealistic position where he has regained his Kira memories but for some reason is still working with (for) L.  
>Maybe they have a common enemy at the moment, or maybe he has more angst upon getting his memories back in this AU or maybe the sex is just that great. Improbable behavior in any case that's why it's (hopefully) funny.<em>

_Also Mello is a sadistic asshole... but he's suffering form several traumas to get to that point such as seeing his father-figure getting fucked by Kira and chocolate deprivation. (And people seem to like Mello being an asshole in fic.)_

_And Rem has been swayed over to Light's side because in the manga she eventually comes to like Light and it's what Misa wants / would have wanted..._

_Misa is... I don't know. No longer dating Light in any case._


	2. Chapter 2

**NOTICE**

I apologize in advance for spamming and I apologize to everyone who thought they were getting an update. I usually don't do the whole author note chapter thing but I thought it was the best way to get the word out before my account gets deleted.

After ten years of no enforcement fanfiction . net is suddenly going to start enforcing a "no sex and violence" policy:  
>www . change petitions  fanfiction – net – stop – the – destruction – of – fanfiction – net ? utm_campaign =friend _ inviter _ modal & utm_medium = facebook&utm _ source = share_petition

I'm here frequently on fanfiction . net but I only just heard about this, so I figured it was important to get the word out.

I checked and the only warning on fanfiction . net I could see was a single note on fanfiction . net's homepage:  
>"June 4th 2012 - Notices: ◦Please note we would like to clarify the content policy we have in place since 2002. follows the Fiction Rating system ranging from Fiction K to Fiction M. Although Fiction Ratings goes up to Fiction MA, since 2002 has not allowed Fiction MA rated content which can contain adultexplicit content on the site. only accepts content in the Fiction K through Fiction M range. Fiction M can contain adult language, themes and suggestions. Detailed descriptions of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature is considered Fiction MA and has not been allowed on the site since 2002."

I know I don't exactly comb through mine for content and just rate it all M. But no doubt the vague descriptions of gay sex within these stories will offend the moral guardians.

Though I have to wonder what's left after you delete all the stories with sex and violence. There goes the Death Note fandom! And what about a fandom like... Saw?

If you don't think this applies to you then ask yourself, does your story:

Have action scenes?

Have romance scenes?

Mention a song?

**If you answered yes to any of those it is at risk of deletion.**

Or to put it another way would your story make a good episode of Sesame Street?

If yes you're probably safe but if no you may want to consider copying it over to another site.

Even if you don't think this applies to you it's still a good idea to have backups and considering they're going to suddenly start cracking down now after ten years of nothing they may be overzealous in their censorship. It would be a shame if a beautiful story is lost forever just because it says a naughty word.

So please move your stuff, copy your favorites before this goes into effect!

Some suggested sites:

livejournal . com

archiveofourown . org

deviantart . com

adultfanfiction . net

As for me, I will continue to write and update my stories—just not on fanfiction . net.

You can find me on Livejournal and archiveofourown. org as reaperlight and plannedbyreaperLight on deviantart . com

I would like to thank everyone, all of my readers and reviewers, for all their help and support and all the other writers out there keep on writing awesome stories!


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